You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
