i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
