PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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