I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
