She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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