Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
