i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
