Define "chronic" masturbator.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
