my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
