i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
