If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
whose parrot is this?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
