I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
