That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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