If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
