Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
