i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The ass gains better be worth it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
