My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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