Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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