OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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