OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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