I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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