Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
