she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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