Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
