you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
