Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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