If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
