I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think my vagina is haunted
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
