Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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