I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
