I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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