How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If its not for food we ain't going out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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