They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
