doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
