her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
