I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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