You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
