I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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