A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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