I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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