Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
