If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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