I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
