stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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