Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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