I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
