Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
