I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
