a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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