I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
