Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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