My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
